I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
