I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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