So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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