i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
