Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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