I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
