I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
