Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
