I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
