Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
