I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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