Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
