he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
