Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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