mondays should just be called national damage control day
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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