im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
