Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
