I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How's work?
Spinning.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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