I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
