that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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