I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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