I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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