I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
