Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
