i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
