the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
