Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
