I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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