i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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