I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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