Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
