She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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