Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
