I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
