How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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