the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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