My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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