just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
