I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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