i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
