Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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