I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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