i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
