There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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