How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
