I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize