Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
