i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
