my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I had to cum in my sink.
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