I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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