when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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