The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
