saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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