I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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