i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My life is pants optional.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
